Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
