Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
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Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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