Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
