You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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