So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
