did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Randomize
