I just saw a hot homeless man
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
