I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Randomize
