just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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