Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
