He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
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It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
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I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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