I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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