birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
