you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
