I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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