I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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