If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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