omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize
