it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
