there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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