I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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