Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
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I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
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He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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