why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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