i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
birth control should be required to get into college
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
