stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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