PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
This is classic penis vs brain.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
