i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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