I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
