Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Randomize
