I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
