Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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