from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
