Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Randomize
