my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
