Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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