I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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