dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
