shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Randomize
