Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
