I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
