i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
