if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Randomize
