awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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