I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
