i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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