i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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