the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
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Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
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do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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