There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
