Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Randomize
