My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
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