You just made me feel so damn special
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
