Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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