DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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