I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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