Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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