hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
