There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
