I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
