You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Randomize
