She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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