please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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