so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
