A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
What changed your mind?
Being sober
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Enjoy the penises
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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