You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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