I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
