I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
