On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
