I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
