My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
